loss

Animals are very important. I lost my kitten this week, he had to be put to sleep because he was not well. He had problems with his bowels, and he was bleeding and was probably in pain. There was nothing more that the vets could do and it was the kindest thing to do for him. I am absolutely devastated. I only had him for two months but I loved him so much. He was just so cute and funny. He used to cheer me up a lot. He did not discriminate against me, he did not treat me as disabled. He would jump all over me and he would curl up purring on my knee and he would give me a little kitty head butts. I miss him so much and I feel so guilty at having to make the decision. He went into his carry box. So trustingly. He probably thought he was going out to play. I couldn't go to the vets, but I know it was quick and peaceful. My other cat Rosie doesn't know where he is gone. She is walking around the house meowing am looking for him, she has even tried to open doors and drawers looking for him. I don't know what to do to make my guilt, and sadness. Go away. It was already been a bad week, with all the crap from the PCT in my opinion.

I met up with my advocate this week, and we have written an e-mail to the PCT outlining my thoughts and opinions on the facility where they would like to send me. I hope it will all be sorted in my favour. I am doubtful about it, because things always seem to go wrong. Things have gone wrong, ever since I left rehab. When I left the rehab unit was the last time I did any walking exercises. I now think that it is too late to be able to do this again. I don't really see the point in having Hope in this as I am probably just going to be bitterly disappointed.

In refusing to go into a care home, am I just delaying the inevitable? I am never going to be able to look after myself. Again, so what's going to happen in the future? I think I am going to deteriorate more. I have been deteriorating. Ever since I left the rehab unit. Apparently, certain people were aware that this was going to happen. So why did they not tell me. So that I could prepare myself? There are so many questions, and not enough answers. I find that the meetings of my counsellor are really helpful and I feel much better after them. Unfortunately, I only have one more of them left. I don't know what to do, if I do not get offered any more. I think that I will have to increase my antidepressants. I know that this is not a magic cure, but it will help me feel a little bit better. And I just hope that I do not become addicted to them.

I have a few things to look forward to this week. I am going to the pub, and I'm going out for a meal with some friends who are not ashamed to be seen with me in public. I will also be meeting some new people, then who are friends with my friend and who have asked to meet me. I am excited about it. I have not been out in such a long time. And it will be great to go out with people who do not feel sorry for me and who don't treat me with kid gloves, and you are not coming to see me because it is their ''christian'' duty. I don't want to be the reason for someone gaining brownie points. I know that friendship is a two way thing. I just wish that people would treat me the same as they did before all this happened. They need to realise that I am not a delicate little flower, and they do not need to tread on eggshells around me they can just treat me the same as they did before. And if they didn't know me before. Treat me like they treat their other friends. Have a laugh and a joke with me. Skit, and tease me and I will do the same. I am just normal, just the same as you accept. I cannot move. You can take the piss about anything. I don't mind. Just not about my little kitteh, it's too soon.

R.I.P Little Dougie I love you loads, and I'm sorry. XXX