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Wednesday, 30 November 2011

hello, let me introduce myself ...

I have been writing this blog for a couple of months now and I realised that I haven't really introduced myself to those of you who do not know me personally. Well, my name is Emily and I am 24 years old and live in Liverpool in the UK. I need full-time care because of my disabilies which is paralysis from the neck down was due to a brain tumour being removed two years ago just over. I live with my friend who is also my full-time personal assistant, to help me with things such as eating and shopping and so on. I have two other carers who come into help me with my personal care.

I absolutely love animals and I have two of my own cats. A little one-year-old female moggy called Rosie. She is black and white and is really funny and friendly. She loves getting cuddles off anybody. I have recently enquired a new addition to my house, Dougie  and he is a little Manx rumpy kitten so he has no tail whatsoever. He is very playful vocal and greedy. I will probably add bits about these two in my blogs as they are important to me as they do cheer me up sometimes with their antics. If any of you have seen the you Tube videos called Simon's cat you will understand exactly what I mean!

In my spare time I don't do much because my body does not allow it. I watch TV I enjoy stuff such as the soaps and comedies such as the big bang theory. I also go on the Internet using blogger and twitter and Facebook. If you are wondering how I use a computer when I can't use my hands it is because I am using Dragon. Dragon is a program which is mainly designed for dyslexic people. Basically you speak to the computer and it will type out what you say and you can also move mouse around using it. It is fantastic and it makes me feel a lot more independent as I'm sure it does a lot of people in my situation.

I am trying to get braver at the moment. I have realised that recently I had become a bit housebound. Some of this is self-inflicted as am starting to get nervous about going outside. I get very paranoid that people are looking at me. My goals for the new year are to go up more. My plan is to be able to go to the cinema and to the theatre. Obviously my other goals is to achieve well in my physiotherapy. Even though I only getting a minimal amount I am going to try my best.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

and somebody has turned the light out.(don't read if you don't want to read depressing moaning)

So it feels as if somebody has turned the light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel out. It is silly, I should be happy. I got my MRI results back and they were clear. I have no sign of regrowth whatsoever which is meant to be good news. I am happy about that. At least that is something that is okay. Something that is going right at the moment. I asked my consultant if I ever had any chance of being able to live an independent life and he said no. I was holding on to the slight hope that this was a possibility for my future. But now I know that it isn't. All my hope has now gone. What is the point in trying if I am going to get nowhere. I really don't think I can live my life like this. The way I am now, having to rely on somebody else for everything. I feel utterly miserable. That is not a life it is just an existence. I feel like I am just a burden on society and those around me. All I do is take take take I feel like I am such a greedy selfish bitch.

What can I do? I hate waking up every day feeling like this. The only thing I look forward to is going to sleep. At least when I am asleep I am not in pain nor feeling miserable. Sometimes I have dreams where I am normal and healthy and I feel so happy. And then I wake up and reality hits me yet again. Is it right that I should feel like this? I am sure that there are people out there who would do anything to be in my position. People who are worse off than me at the moment, say for example people who are terminal or are unable to communicate. I try to see the bright side I really do. I try to think about the things that I am lucky to have such as my friends and family my cats and my things such as my car and bungalow. But I am a greedy and selfish person and I want more. I want to be able to be independent, to go back to my job even to be able to give somebody a cuddle. I feel like I am being punished for something and I just don't know what I did to deserve this.

Anyway. I am going to leave it here. Thank you for reading. X