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Monday, 23 January 2012

loss

Animals are very important. I lost my kitten this week, he had to be put to sleep because he was not well. He had problems with his bowels, and he was bleeding and was probably in pain. There was nothing more that the vets could do and it was the kindest thing to do for him. I am absolutely devastated. I only had him for two months but I loved him so much. He was just so cute and funny. He used to cheer me up a lot. He did not discriminate against me, he did not treat me as disabled. He would jump all over me and he would curl up purring on my knee and he would give me a little kitty head butts. I miss him so much and I feel so guilty at having to make the decision. He went into his carry box. So trustingly. He probably thought he was going out to play. I couldn't go to the vets, but I know it was quick and peaceful. My other cat Rosie doesn't know where he is gone. She is walking around the house meowing am looking for him, she has even tried to open doors and drawers looking for him. I don't know what to do to make my guilt, and sadness. Go away. It was already been a bad week, with all the crap from the PCT in my opinion.

I met up with my advocate this week, and we have written an e-mail to the PCT outlining my thoughts and opinions on the facility where they would like to send me. I hope it will all be sorted in my favour. I am doubtful about it, because things always seem to go wrong. Things have gone wrong, ever since I left rehab. When I left the rehab unit was the last time I did any walking exercises. I now think that it is too late to be able to do this again. I don't really see the point in having Hope in this as I am probably just going to be bitterly disappointed.

In refusing to go into a care home, am I just delaying the inevitable? I am never going to be able to look after myself. Again, so what's going to happen in the future? I think I am going to deteriorate more. I have been deteriorating. Ever since I left the rehab unit. Apparently, certain people were aware that this was going to happen. So why did they not tell me. So that I could prepare myself? There are so many questions, and not enough answers. I find that the meetings of my counsellor are really helpful and I feel much better after them. Unfortunately, I only have one more of them left. I don't know what to do, if I do not get offered any more. I think that I will have to increase my antidepressants. I know that this is not a magic cure, but it will help me feel a little bit better. And I just hope that I do not become addicted to them.

I have a few things to look forward to this week. I am going to the pub, and I'm going out for a meal with some friends who are not ashamed to be seen with me in public. I will also be meeting some new people, then who are friends with my friend and who have asked to meet me. I am excited about it. I have not been out in such a long time. And it will be great to go out with people who do not feel sorry for me and who don't treat me with kid gloves, and you are not coming to see me because it is their ''christian'' duty. I don't want to be the reason for someone gaining brownie points. I know that friendship is a two way thing. I just wish that people would treat me the same as they did before all this happened. They need to realise that I am not a delicate little flower, and they do not need to tread on eggshells around me they can just treat me the same as they did before. And if they didn't know me before. Treat me like they treat their other friends. Have a laugh and a joke with me. Skit, and tease me and I will do the same. I am just normal, just the same as you accept. I cannot move. You can take the piss about anything. I don't mind. Just not about my little kitteh, it's too soon.

R.I.P Little Dougie I love you loads, and I'm sorry. XXX

Sunday, 15 January 2012

fuming!!

So I finally got my reports back from the authorities. As usual, it was full of their usual crap. I was pleased at one point of it though. It said that the best course of action for me would be to go into a rehab centre for some intensive physio for a period of 6 to 12 weeks. I was really excited. This is what I had been fighting for. For over a year. Finally, I had some luck, finally, I was going to get therapy. I needed.

I had to go and visit the centre, that I would be staying in. It was not too far from where I live. It seemed okay first of all, very clean and roomy. I met with the ladies, who were leading the meeting with me and who wear to answer any questions that I may have about the facility. My first question was how much therapy, I would be receiving in a week. I got told it would be three physiotherapy sessions. This was a bit disappointing, as I had hoped it would be five. My next question was, if I would be allowed to come home at weekends. I got told that I wouldn't be able to do that, as I would need to be ''monitered'' at the weekends. And also, as I would need to bring my own bed with me. It would be too awkward for me to go home. This seemed really odd to me. My following question was to if there was Internet access available. I got told that there was thought that I would be supervised by them. If I wanted to use it. This seemed awfully strange. I asked about visiting and if I would be allowed to go out. I got told visiting hours way between six and eight, and that they would not be allowed to go out. When I wanted. this place seemed like a prison. The penny then dropped. It was not a nursing home at all, but it was a nursing home for people with learning difficulties. I can't believe they wanted to put me in a place like this. I'm so upset about it and I'm definitely turning it down. Hopefully, somehow, I will be able to get physiotherapy, and I will be able to go to an actual rehabilitation centre. Fingers crossed eh, I've got some more meetings this week, may be one of them will have a positive outcome for me.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

scared

Hello it's been a while since I've written a blog. So I thought I would write one. I hope everybody has had an awesome start to the New Year. I wish say thank you to the people who have been following my blog and who have been sending me comments. I find them really encouraging, and I really appreciate them. Also thank you for the suggestions for my blog. :)

It has been a quiet start to the New Year, so far. And after writing my new years resolution blog. I have gotten a bit down again. I think there is a possibility that I have ran out of my antidepressants, and that is why I'm feeling down. I try not to rely on them, but I can't help it. Sometimes. I want to ask my doctor. If I can have my antidepressants increased. I'm fed up of waking up every day, feeling miserable and trapped. I know, antidepressants are not a magical cure, but I think it will take the edge away. If you know what I mean. I don't want to become addicted to antidepressants though. I will speak to my GP and councillor to get their advice.

I'm nervous today, because I am waiting for a decision from social services. Regarding my physiotherapy. I am worried that they are going to reduce it even more. I think they do that. It will hit me terribly. As I will feel as if there is no hope at all. For me. When they take my therapy, away they take away my hope. I hope that my condition will improve, but if I did not get the therapy. It will not, and it will get worse. It's absolutely terrifies me that in a few months. My condition could be even worse.

The thought that I am clinging to the moment is getting a standing frame. This will help me enormously as weight-bearing is one of the best kinds of physiotherapy. I can do. If I was able to use a standing frame daily. My legs would get stronger and stronger, and maybe one day I will be able to walk again. They are expensive, though. That is the only problem. I have had offers from friends, offering to raise money for it. I think that it is a lovely idea, and I am really touched that somebody would do this for me. But I feel really selfish in accepting something like this. Is it selfish? There are people in much more need than I am and who could do with money raising for them. I have started to believe that I don't deserve getting equipment, and therapy and social services are forcing me to believe that this is the case. Sorry for moaning again, everybody, and I'm just feeling really miserable. Yet again.

The title of this post is scared. I will tell you what I am scared of. I am scared that this is as good as it is ever going to get. This is what my ''lovely'' (it's hard to be sarcastic in text). NHS physiotherapist has told me. It makes me physically sick at the thought that I will have to spend the next 40 years or so, lying in a bed or sitting in a chair. What kind of quality of life, is that? I am going to sound self pitying. Now, and I apologise for it, but if I was a dog. I would have been put out of my misery. A long time ago. Sorry. That's just how I feel. I will cheer up soon, and feel embarrassed, and probably slightly ashamed for writing this. As I have said in the past. I am aware that there is people who are on, much worse off than myself and I am grateful for what I do have. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record.

Another thing I'm scared of is my future. What does it all for me? I accepted now that I am never going to have another boyfriend. Who is going to want somebody like myself? I'm sure there are plenty of people who would date somebody in a wheelchair. But how about somebody who is quadriplegic? I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people out there, but I'm not sure if there is anybody who can see through disability such as mine. I really wish that there was. As I do want to have somebody. Even though my body doesn't work. I still have the same thoughts and feelings. I am still a young woman. You can't just turn something like that off. I wish I could but I can't. I think I will just have to sit here and watch life pass me by. I think I might do a blog about this in the future if people would be interested in reading about it. I know it is a bit of a taboo subject. But yes, disabled people still do want to be loved and have sex, etc etc.

And another thing, I am scared about. (Sorry about the appalling grammar. In this blog BTW) is, what about in a few years. What is going to happen to me. What about when my friends move on, get married and have kids. Will, I still have friends and company? I do have some good friends who I know will stick with me, as they are awesome. I do have some more so-called friends who I have known for years. It seems to me like they are avoiding me. And coming up with excuses not to see me. Maybe they are ashamed of being friends with a wheelchair person. There are quite a few people who are. They think that disabled people should be hidden away, and that we should not be allowed to go to clubs and bars and stuff. As we get in the way and make the bars look bad. It does upset me that some people, especially my friends would veiw me and people like me. In that way. Some people are just so ignorant. At least I have some decent friends and I appreciate them very much so. Even the ones who I do not see and to write to me every now and again on Facebook, and so on. I know that friendship is a two-way thing than I do contact people. I don't just sit there waiting for them to contact me.

I'm fed up of dealing with people's ignorance and callousness. I got told the other week that it is cruel. For me to own pets, because I am unable to give them the care that they need. I have people around me who give my animals. The care that they need. Feeding, cleaning, playing with and cuddling. My cats don't care that I'm disabled. They are currently cuddled up together. Next to me. I love them and they love me. I wish everybody could be non-discriminative like a cat. I know that sounds really really silly. My animals, bring me so much joy. It makes me very happy, watching them play together or just sitting next to me, giving me little kitty head butts. It makes me feel wanted.

I was brave. The other week as well. I did an interview about my condition on a local radio show. The DJ was really nice to me and really encouraging. It really helped me, being able to talk. Some of the other listeners. Even texted in with encouraging comments. For me and I found them. So, kind and confidence boosting. It's lovely to know that there are some decent people out there who will not judge me on my condition.

That was a relief, getting that off my chest. I feel a bit better now. Thanks again for the lovely comments. They have really encouraged me. I really appreciate the people who take the time to read my ramblings. If anybody has got any advice on how I can get more physiotherapy or get money raised for me to get my standing frame, please let me know. I'm really sorry if I sound selfish but I guess if you don't ask. You won't get. I will write again soon. XXX