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Sunday, 8 January 2012

scared

Hello it's been a while since I've written a blog. So I thought I would write one. I hope everybody has had an awesome start to the New Year. I wish say thank you to the people who have been following my blog and who have been sending me comments. I find them really encouraging, and I really appreciate them. Also thank you for the suggestions for my blog. :)

It has been a quiet start to the New Year, so far. And after writing my new years resolution blog. I have gotten a bit down again. I think there is a possibility that I have ran out of my antidepressants, and that is why I'm feeling down. I try not to rely on them, but I can't help it. Sometimes. I want to ask my doctor. If I can have my antidepressants increased. I'm fed up of waking up every day, feeling miserable and trapped. I know, antidepressants are not a magical cure, but I think it will take the edge away. If you know what I mean. I don't want to become addicted to antidepressants though. I will speak to my GP and councillor to get their advice.

I'm nervous today, because I am waiting for a decision from social services. Regarding my physiotherapy. I am worried that they are going to reduce it even more. I think they do that. It will hit me terribly. As I will feel as if there is no hope at all. For me. When they take my therapy, away they take away my hope. I hope that my condition will improve, but if I did not get the therapy. It will not, and it will get worse. It's absolutely terrifies me that in a few months. My condition could be even worse.

The thought that I am clinging to the moment is getting a standing frame. This will help me enormously as weight-bearing is one of the best kinds of physiotherapy. I can do. If I was able to use a standing frame daily. My legs would get stronger and stronger, and maybe one day I will be able to walk again. They are expensive, though. That is the only problem. I have had offers from friends, offering to raise money for it. I think that it is a lovely idea, and I am really touched that somebody would do this for me. But I feel really selfish in accepting something like this. Is it selfish? There are people in much more need than I am and who could do with money raising for them. I have started to believe that I don't deserve getting equipment, and therapy and social services are forcing me to believe that this is the case. Sorry for moaning again, everybody, and I'm just feeling really miserable. Yet again.

The title of this post is scared. I will tell you what I am scared of. I am scared that this is as good as it is ever going to get. This is what my ''lovely'' (it's hard to be sarcastic in text). NHS physiotherapist has told me. It makes me physically sick at the thought that I will have to spend the next 40 years or so, lying in a bed or sitting in a chair. What kind of quality of life, is that? I am going to sound self pitying. Now, and I apologise for it, but if I was a dog. I would have been put out of my misery. A long time ago. Sorry. That's just how I feel. I will cheer up soon, and feel embarrassed, and probably slightly ashamed for writing this. As I have said in the past. I am aware that there is people who are on, much worse off than myself and I am grateful for what I do have. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record.

Another thing I'm scared of is my future. What does it all for me? I accepted now that I am never going to have another boyfriend. Who is going to want somebody like myself? I'm sure there are plenty of people who would date somebody in a wheelchair. But how about somebody who is quadriplegic? I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people out there, but I'm not sure if there is anybody who can see through disability such as mine. I really wish that there was. As I do want to have somebody. Even though my body doesn't work. I still have the same thoughts and feelings. I am still a young woman. You can't just turn something like that off. I wish I could but I can't. I think I will just have to sit here and watch life pass me by. I think I might do a blog about this in the future if people would be interested in reading about it. I know it is a bit of a taboo subject. But yes, disabled people still do want to be loved and have sex, etc etc.

And another thing, I am scared about. (Sorry about the appalling grammar. In this blog BTW) is, what about in a few years. What is going to happen to me. What about when my friends move on, get married and have kids. Will, I still have friends and company? I do have some good friends who I know will stick with me, as they are awesome. I do have some more so-called friends who I have known for years. It seems to me like they are avoiding me. And coming up with excuses not to see me. Maybe they are ashamed of being friends with a wheelchair person. There are quite a few people who are. They think that disabled people should be hidden away, and that we should not be allowed to go to clubs and bars and stuff. As we get in the way and make the bars look bad. It does upset me that some people, especially my friends would veiw me and people like me. In that way. Some people are just so ignorant. At least I have some decent friends and I appreciate them very much so. Even the ones who I do not see and to write to me every now and again on Facebook, and so on. I know that friendship is a two-way thing than I do contact people. I don't just sit there waiting for them to contact me.

I'm fed up of dealing with people's ignorance and callousness. I got told the other week that it is cruel. For me to own pets, because I am unable to give them the care that they need. I have people around me who give my animals. The care that they need. Feeding, cleaning, playing with and cuddling. My cats don't care that I'm disabled. They are currently cuddled up together. Next to me. I love them and they love me. I wish everybody could be non-discriminative like a cat. I know that sounds really really silly. My animals, bring me so much joy. It makes me very happy, watching them play together or just sitting next to me, giving me little kitty head butts. It makes me feel wanted.

I was brave. The other week as well. I did an interview about my condition on a local radio show. The DJ was really nice to me and really encouraging. It really helped me, being able to talk. Some of the other listeners. Even texted in with encouraging comments. For me and I found them. So, kind and confidence boosting. It's lovely to know that there are some decent people out there who will not judge me on my condition.

That was a relief, getting that off my chest. I feel a bit better now. Thanks again for the lovely comments. They have really encouraged me. I really appreciate the people who take the time to read my ramblings. If anybody has got any advice on how I can get more physiotherapy or get money raised for me to get my standing frame, please let me know. I'm really sorry if I sound selfish but I guess if you don't ask. You won't get. I will write again soon. XXX

3 comments:

  1. The ignorance of some people is truly amazing in itself. It is NOT cruel for you to own a pet, it is cruel when someone owns a pet and abuses or neglects it. Pets just want to share our space and soak up unconditional love. They don't care if you can walk or not. I have a Chihuahua that would think life with you couldn't be more perfect. He doesn't like going outside, he hates getting out of a warm bed, he wants someone to sit still all day and let him snuggle with them. Love comes from the heart Emily, not the arms and legs. Love your pets and enjoy them.
    I finally found time to read your entire blog yesterday. You don't sound selfish to me, you just sound scared and that is understandable considering what you are dealing with.
    If friends, or even family, turn away from you now then you haven't lost much. Those aren't the type of people that are ever going to hold compassion and love in their hearts for very long.
    Stay strong.

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  2. I can't give any advice on how to raise money for your standing frame but would suggest a start would be to let your friends help you.

    Never be afraid or embarrassed to accept help from your friends.

    Your blog is honest and I like that.

    Give your cats a kiss from me :)

    BTW you are not selfish so let your friends who offer help you. It is a known fact that helping others is a reward in itself.

    Just as you are helping with this blog about your life and struggles being paralyzed in a wheelchair.

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  3. Emily you are full of honesty and courage. Don't let anyone put you down, or tell you otherwise. I know you will accomplish great things with a bit of help. Please accept it. As my mom used to say, "Don't ever turn down help, it is God answering your prayers!"

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