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Thursday, 24 November 2011

and somebody has turned the light out.(don't read if you don't want to read depressing moaning)

So it feels as if somebody has turned the light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel out. It is silly, I should be happy. I got my MRI results back and they were clear. I have no sign of regrowth whatsoever which is meant to be good news. I am happy about that. At least that is something that is okay. Something that is going right at the moment. I asked my consultant if I ever had any chance of being able to live an independent life and he said no. I was holding on to the slight hope that this was a possibility for my future. But now I know that it isn't. All my hope has now gone. What is the point in trying if I am going to get nowhere. I really don't think I can live my life like this. The way I am now, having to rely on somebody else for everything. I feel utterly miserable. That is not a life it is just an existence. I feel like I am just a burden on society and those around me. All I do is take take take I feel like I am such a greedy selfish bitch.

What can I do? I hate waking up every day feeling like this. The only thing I look forward to is going to sleep. At least when I am asleep I am not in pain nor feeling miserable. Sometimes I have dreams where I am normal and healthy and I feel so happy. And then I wake up and reality hits me yet again. Is it right that I should feel like this? I am sure that there are people out there who would do anything to be in my position. People who are worse off than me at the moment, say for example people who are terminal or are unable to communicate. I try to see the bright side I really do. I try to think about the things that I am lucky to have such as my friends and family my cats and my things such as my car and bungalow. But I am a greedy and selfish person and I want more. I want to be able to be independent, to go back to my job even to be able to give somebody a cuddle. I feel like I am being punished for something and I just don't know what I did to deserve this.

Anyway. I am going to leave it here. Thank you for reading. X

5 comments:

  1. We all bitch and moan, and you have more to bitch and moan about than most of us. I cannot imagine going through what you have. I think you are incredibly brave.

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  2. Wow. I feel so inadequate in my depression.

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  3. I will be following your blog and want to let you know i admire you,because writing it out is helpful to you and others.

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  4. you did nothing. and don't give up hope. there is always the hope that some scientist will come up with some new, ingenious way to fix your problem. remember: miracles are possible. I will try to make a post about that as soon as possible so check me out at http://www.alegitimatevision.blogspot.com/ i know where you're coming from, feeling like the whole world just hates you, like nothing ever goes your way, like there isn't a chance in the world that things will be ok...but it will..becuase there IS SUCH THING AS MIRACLES. :)

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  5. I'm crying reading this blog. I wish I could hug you and visit you. You seem like a very normal wonderful lady. I think your thoughts of not going on etc., are very, very normal.I'm in no position to give you advice since I'm a mess emotionally. But, one thing I heard from someone is: I believe it's the Chinese (could be wrong)have the belief that life is normally hard and painfulsometimes horrible.And this is what we should expect, because this is the "normal". So...when we have a good day or something wonderful happens that it's a treasure and something to be thankful for. (Too bad I can't remember this myself!) You're very brave and seem very lovely.Don't give up your hopes.Maybe because you are so young the parts of your brain that are functioning properly can somehow take over for the parts that are not. Fight the best you can for better medical assistance. Sometimes "they" help you just to shut you up.Have some of your friends or family help you make calls, write letters, scream for more. Then kiss your kittys and remember people are on your side. At least I am. Go to a club with your girlfriends in your chair and rock out with your head,heart and voice. Screw the people who stare. Don't believe what your caregiver says about accepting. Keep your hope alive. xoxo

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