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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

and another week passes

My car hoist finally arrived this week. We haven't put it together yet. I'm looking forward to being able to get in the car more easily without messing around and the discomfort. I am a bit nervous about it though, I haven't left my house in over a month.it's getting to the point now, where I am scared to go outside. I hate going outside. I feel so exposed and vulnerable. When I am at home I feel safe because I can hide away in doors.

I have been scaring myself as well. I've been thinking too much. I've been thinking about what's going to happen to me in the future when the people who are with me now such as my carers have moved on. What am I going to do then? I know that things are going to change within the next year. My PA is going to move on, I know that and I want him to. I want him to be able to live his life and get on with what he wants to do with it without being tied to me. I am not his responsibility and I don't want to be either. I don't want to hold him back from his life. I am very grateful to him for that time that he has given up for me but he does need to go and do his own thing.

But still I am thinking what is going to happen to me? Who is going to look after me? Will I have to go back into a nursing home or pay for a full-time carer who is a stranger to me to come and live in my bungalow with me? Or maybe, I will be strong enough to be alone. And be able to manage on having carers drop in on me a few times a day. I don't know. I feel sick with worry thinking about it. I'm scared of being alone. I am scared and worried about the time in the future when all of my friends get married and have children. I know this will never happen for me because who is going to want somebody like me? I just feel like I am a spectator of life rather than a person living it.

Even though I am scared, I am going to use my car hoist. I have made plans to go to some support groups. I have been looking online and have found support groups in Liverpool for those affected by brain tumours and spinal-cord injury. Maybe if I go to one of their meetings I will meet people in a similar situation to myself. I have never met somebody paralysed to my extent before. And I would really like to as it would be interesting to see if they feel the same way that I do. Maybe they will have advice for me. Also, I have been advised by my friends therapist's and carers to get out more so I am going to try and do so. I have plans in the near future to go to the theatre, go and see stand-up comedy, bands and maybe go and get my hair done and go shopping. I am definitely getting a new tattoo done soon I just don't know where on my body yet.

Nothing much has happened in the way of physiotherapy lately. Unfortunately I've had a few infections which have affected my sessions. I'm over my infections now so hopefully on Saturday I am going to be able to do a stand. I haven't stood in over a month. It will be painful but it needs to be done. The more weight bearing and I do the strong are my legs will become. And maybe one day I will be able to walk again. Now I have my car hoist my plan is now to save up for a standing frame. Maybe I will be able to hire one. If I got one I would be able to practice standing everyday. And I will be able to get stronger and stronger and I will undo the damage done to me by the lack of physiotherapy. I think I will in the New Year go and speak to the lady who runs a private physiotherapy clinic I used to go to. I will ask her what standing frame is most suitable for my needs as I know there is a lot of them out there and I need professional advice on the matter so I do not get the wrong one.

I hope I can learn how to walk again I really do. I guess the only person who can make sure it happens is myself and I will do that when I pull myself out of the depressive rut I am in at the moment. Anyway thank you for reading this. For those of you who have left encouraging comments on my blog thank you very much. You have no idea how helpful your comments are to me. They have given me such a boost in confidence. If total strangers have confidence in me then I should have confidence in myself. So yet again, thank you very much. I will be writing again soon. :)

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