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Tuesday, 11 October 2011

ifs buts maybes and generally feeling stressed.

yet again I am blogging. I find it a good way to relieve my stress and it is a good way to get things off my chest. And also it is a good way of recording the things that are happening so that I do not forget. I still do not know who it was who made the complaint about my level of personal care. My so-called social worker said that it was my private physiotherapists, I really hoped that it would not be them as I really like and trust them and this would be a way of breaking my trust as it would have been going behind my back and treating me like a child. So I asked them, and they said it was not them and that they would not do something like that because it is nothing to do with them. So who was it? The mystery continues. Obviously somebody is trying to mess things up for me. I would really like to find out who it was and ask them why they did it.

So I started feeling miserable again. Is it wrong that I should feel sorry for myself when there are people who are a worse than myself who don't moan half as much. I do like moaning though. I have been wondering if it could have been any different. Is there anything that I could have done different to have not ended up like this? I am annoyed as well because I tried so hard in the rehab unit to improve my condition. The physiotherapist's, occupational therapists and nursing staff worked so hard with me and I was pleased with what we achieved as I managed to walk across a room. After months of being in bed that was an amazing feeling. But then I get dumped in a nursing home and get no therapy for three months and I lose everything I have achieved. I have not lost everything just one time I have lost it twice. I find that is so depressing. I then received some physiotherapy I was slowly improving again. Maybe I could have got back up to the level I was. But oh no the PCT put time limits on how long you are allowed to get better for. And now I am only given 2 outpatient appointments a week. I told my physiotherapist what I have achieved in rehab and she told me that it was all lies and everything I did there I actually didn't do. She said it is impossible for me to have walked. I know I did because I was there.

I know I will never be 100% better. I just know I can be better than I am. Maybe I will be able to work again. I would love to go back to my shop. Before I got ill I was just about to start my veterinary nursing course. I will never be able to do that now. I need to stop thinking these depressing thoughts. I realise now that I will never achieve any of my ambitions. I will never work with animals again, I will never have my own family as I am definitely not going to be able to have children as I am unable to look after them and I can't even look after myself. Also I am never going to have a boyfriend now. Who is going to want somebody like me? I think if it was the other way around would I date somebody in my situation and I don't think I would so I cannot possibly judge anybody. I will cheer up soon. Another thing that made me mad the other day was an able-bodied person saying to me I should be grateful what I have. How dare somebody with such a perfect life say that to me. That is so hypocritical. I am grateful for what I have but I am struggling with depression at the moment.

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